Tag Archive | health

Thinking too much

I’m thinking I need a new tat or two when this is over. Maybe a zipper? And something more spiritual. They just called to confirm the surgery. Like I’m going to forget or back out, uh no.

This morning I woke up having a nightmare that I was paralyzed and found the cat was sleeping between my legs and I couldn’t move. Oh yeah, my mind is not happy when I’m asleep. To the point of trolling facebook in the hope of catching the funny stuff. If it makes me laugh and distracts me I figure it will make other people laugh too.

Good thing I have warped friends.

There’s an old Woodie Guthrie folk song that keeps running through my head:


You gotta walk that lonesome valley,

You gotta walk it by yourself,

Nobody here can walk it for you,

You gotta walk it by yourself.


Some people say that John was a Baptist,

Some folks say he was a Jew,

But your holy scripture tells you

That he was a preacher too.


Daniel was a Bible hero,

Was a prophet brave and true,

In a den of hungry lions

Proved what faith can do for you.


There’s a road that leads to glory

Through a valley far away,

Nobody else can walk it for you,

They can only point the way.


Mamma and daddy loves you dearly,

Sister does and brother, too,

They may beg you to go with them,

But they cannot go for you.


I’m gonna walk that lonesome valley,

I’m gonna walk it by myself,

Don’t want to nobody to walk it for me,

I’m gonna walk it by myself.

Cancer and my spiritual path

Someone commented somewhere else that they couldn’t understand what a cancer diagnosis had to do with spirituality. Something I became readily aware of that regardless of whether I survive or not, it has everything to do with my spirituality. All three of the Goddesses I’m ordained to are healing  goddesses of some sort because even a goddess associated with death is a healing goddess. I’m inclined to think that my relationship with Brighid, Hecate and Quan Yin is going to become a different relationship than it has been when my health problems were of the chronic sort and not the acute sort.

Depending on whose stats you look at Ovarian cancer has a really bad survival rate some put it as low as 24%. I hope to beat that 24% and raise it but one never knows what cards you are going to draw.  A lot depends on the stage and whether it has spread. It could be attached to my intestines or my bladder or both. Because I have some numbness in my right leg it could be doing nasty things to my spinal nerves and because I have plaques in my lower lung it could have gone travelling there which I guess is quite common according to my obgyn.

They have told me the hospital stay could be from 4-7 days next week. A seven day hospital stay does not sound like any fun to me. I haven’t had a stay that long since my eye operation as a kid and that really wasn’t any fun at all. At least now I can fight back if a nurse hurts me, when I was little I couldn’t even see it coming.

Tonight I’m going to light a 7 day Brighid candle, to start the process. If I’m not too sick next Monday night maybe I’ll post how it went. I might not depending on what the prognosis is and how well I’m processing that information.

I have to say it has made me more attentive to things. The first bird I heard yesterday was a crow, this morning some crazy mockingbird was singing in the rain. And we have our long awaited rain and it’s supposed to stay all week.

So I look up and out and treasure each moment. I treasure all the friends that have said encouraging things here and on Facebook. For some reason at the moment I’m not scared. I probably should be but not having the cancer out is not an option but it’s just a first step.

I wish Laura or Mary had talked more about what they were going through. I wish I knew what they had thought or faced. I know each journey is personal and I’m a pretty private person but maybe I can help someone else in this situation or not.

I did think it’s pretty funny that there are so many men that want to be women right now but will never know the truth about being a woman and owning the parts of a woman that can turn around and kill you. They’ll be women when they can get ovarian, uterine, cervical and have a higher rate of breast cancer, until then, they aren’t women.

As the stomach churns- all on high alert now

Yesterday I met with the obgyn because of what they said was on the MRI. Usually I get a copy of the reports but not this time. I wish they had because I might have been more prepared for the news. There will be no biopsy. They are going straight to surgery.

As I watched the obgyn read the reports which they had not bothered to forward to her and she got them while I sat there, she was getting more and more alarmed and she started to show them to me and underline things in the reports that should have sent up red flags before now. I like her a lot and it turns out that her obgyn is the obgyn/oncologist that did my hysterectomy in 1996.

I have a 13cm tumour, that’s big because 1cm = .39 inches. So over 5 inches. She said because it was solid that it was more likely to be cancer. She sent me straight downstairs for 3 blood tests that are for ovarian cancer markers. She also says she is going to shove through the referral to see an oncologist that she really likes. She recommended two that she liked operating with. She didn’t want to take something out without the oncologist since they would probably have go back in again if it was cancer. Both them are at Huntington Memorial and one is also with USC Medical School, all really good recommendations.

So now I see the oncologist and they will schedule surgery. Looks like my zipper will get another workout.

I’m having rapidly changing emotions but mostly I’m mad. For a year and a half I’ve gotten pats on the head and basically been told, take Imodium and maybe it will go away but I knew something was wrong and badly wrong. What if I was the kind of person that blindly did what doctors told me? I still would have a tumour and no clue about it. Ovarian cancer is really hard to diagnose but this is ridiculous. Every specialist seems only to be able to see their part of body. I would be royally screwed if I hadn’t kept pushing and saying something was wrong and it still may be too late. Women, if you know something is wrong, do not allow a doctor to ignore you, push until you know what is wrong.

As the Stomach Churns – more medical drama

I think I just heard the scariest words in the English language, at least to me, “You have a mass and we don’t know what it is. We’re scheduling you for a biopsy.” The doctor called about 24 hours after my MRI. The fact that she called me directly mid afternoon told me it wasn’t good news. Normally if she is going to call me it’s after hours. She said she was sending the referral to the OBGYN and they would schedule the biopsy.

But I still have no diagnosis. Just that it’s a mass with solid parts and parts that aren’t solid and may be cystic. And the still have no clue where my ovaries have wandered off to. They haven’t uploaded the report to the website yet, they called the doctor when they looked at it. That alone made my buzzers go off ding, ding, ding, Danger Will Robinson!

I shouldn’t look in my Merck Manual either because then I really scare the crap out of myself. Under abdominal tumours it has the lovely statement that tumours in post menopausal women are almost always cancerous. I did not need to read that. It’s because there is no estrogen fueling the tumour if your post menopausal.

I did have one funny thing happen. They got the iv in and were about to flush it with saline before putting in the gadnolinium and I felt this awful pain and looked up to see the two nurses with their eyebrows somewhere near their hairlines. My vein had thrown the needle clear out of my hand. They’d never had that happen before. Denise thinks Mary came and yanked it out. They wrapped my hand in ice packs and did manage to get it in my other hand with minimal bruising and none in the hand that had rejected the needle. That in itself is weird because I always bruise at least a little. They were using my hand because I’ve been stuck so much other places with the contrast in two CT scans and all the blood testing.

Not having a good day, sigh.





Tomorrow is another medical testing day. I get to have an MRI of my abdomen since they found an Intrabdominal pelvic mass after the last ultrasound and CT scan. I hate MRIs. This is number 11 on the lifetime scale. I wasn’t claustrophobic until about number 4 or 5 when they shoved me head first in instead of feet first and I so wanted to try the open MRI but they aren’t as effective as a closed one so this time I’m letting them sedate me before hand.

And this time, I’m scared. It could be nothing more than one of my ovaries that they haven’t been able to find or it could be ovarian or bladder cancer or some other fun growth that my body has decided to cultivate. As one of my doctors has told me multiple times, if your body grows things, it grows things. What he meant was if you have a body that likes to make things like skin tags or moles or fibroids, it’s prone to grow other things like polyps and cancer. The same triggers contribute to growing things as small as skin tags can contribute to growing big things like cancer. I have that kind of body.

So, I’m growing something they can’t yet identify. I feel like a science experiment since no one can figure out what is making me sick. We find some things but they aren’t a solution to the problem or it doesn’t keep working.

At the moment, I’m acutely aware of my mortality. Losing Mary was so hard and I don’t want to do anything more to my friends and family. I saw my little brother, Frosty and Laura fight their cancers and lose. That is a train I don’t want to catch.

I know I should try to stay in the moment and not let my mind go forward into dark places with bad endings since it may be nothing or something easily taken care of but my odds aren’t that great since my family’s cancer history is huge.

Anyway, I’m trying to be in the moment and not mentally go where I have no business going until I have an answer, even if it’s more testing like a biopsy.

I can only change this moment, not the future and certainly not the past.


We were 7 and 8
My sister and I
Lost in the woods
When lightening filled up the sky
As we ran through the ran
We knew where to head
To the light on the porch
“Come home!” like Mama said


Follow the light
When you’re lonely and lost
When out on the ocean
You are tumbled and tossed
Follow your heart
Wherever you may be
Follow the light on home to me

Out on the sea
The waves heave and rise
Far from the shore
When a storm mounts the skies
We look for a sign
For some welcoming sight
A beacon from home
To guide us on this night



There’s a hole in our skyline
There’s a hole in our town
There’s a hole in our hearts
The whole world around
How do we heal?
How do we see
The mercy that shines in you and me?
(We follow the light…)

When the world feels so big
And we seem so small
And you wonder if life
Has any meaning left at all
When you’re losing your heart
When you’re losing the fight
Hold on to my hand
And we will follow the light

©2001 John McCutcheon/Appalsongs (ASCAP)

As the stomach churns or today’s installment of the medical drama

I had my ct scan and ultrasound on Saturday and now I have to wait 2 business days for the results, Such fun but at least they were after the Mercury Retrograde. The effects of that are still hanging around though since you have to have a blood test for kidney failure 48 hours after and they didn’t send the orders for it. So I wait…

We went to the Pasadena Humane Society after getting breakfast. Lots of kitties but none of them felt like the “Right”one so we came home empty handed. The rest of the weekend Ali’s kitty was all over me. I don’t know whether she is trying to say she wants to be an only kitty or if she is trying to comfort me but I miss having my own kitty.


Okay, got the results back. CT scan – I have “stable” nodules but I have to have another CT scan in 3 months. Ultrasound – They found a mass near or on my bladder so I am now scheduled to have an MRI to get a better look. I hate MRIs. This will be my 11th. I was never claustrophobic until number 4 after that all bets are off.

More blood tests scheduled for tomorrow at 7 am. I feel like a pincushion but then I think of my friend, Mary whose veins are now like paper and I know it’s not that bad. I just hate it.

So the medical drama continues

As the Stomach churns – a TMI medical soap opera

The medical drama continues: As the stomach churns:

So far I have had an endoscopy, a colonoscopy, an ultrasound and a ct scan of the abdomen parasite testing, celiac testing, various blood testing and an ultrasound and they have all been “Within normal limits”. However, the ct scan showed nodules at the bottom of my lungs and 2 opacities on my bladder which could be cancer or my lost ovaries. Only I could have wandering ovaries.

But I did a bunch of research myself and found that excess bile can sometimes cause your system to go weewah, (my highly technical term for diarrhea lasting over a year) that problem isn’t supposed to continue very long after you have your gall bladder removed and it isn’t supposed to start 10 years after you have your gallbladder out but my doctor agreed to try the medication they use after gall bladder surgery for people whose gall bladders don’t get with the program after surgery, the stuff is a nasty powder that you have to mix with something.

The first batch I got, I had to take back because they sent me the stuff with aspartame because I’m diabetic but I’m a diabetic who is allergic to aspartame so they had to represcibe the one with sugar in it. I learned very quickly to mix it with orange juice and a lot of it. It recommends things like chicken noodle soup and only 2 ounces ( who makes 2 ounces of chicken soup?), it’s orange flavoured, so not going to make chicken orange soup. But wonder of wonders, it’s working. I can’t take it every day, I have to give my body a day off every 3 or 4 days or I have the opposite problem.

You have no idea how hard the last year has been. I couldn’t leave the house some days. I couldn’t take the bus for work. I couldn’t do a lot of events because I was afraid of having an “incident”. Going to my camp reunion and then going to the Spheres on Saturday was the first time I had ventured out in a year. I still live in fear that it will stop working but after all the testing coming up with nothing wrong with my digestive tract I had to figure something out because my poor doctor was stumped and he still has no clue why my body started to supersize bile production like it has. All I know is it did.

So now on the 26th a Saturday, so I won’t miss work, I “get” to have another ultrasound of my bladder and a chest ct scan. It would be pretty weird to have lung cancer since I’ve had less than whole pack of cigarettes in my whole life because friends used to take them away from me if I lit up when I was going to dyke bars. They said it looked like a baby was smoking so it didn’t make me look as cool as my young self thought it would. I’m not sure I ever even got to smoke a whole cigarette before they would get taken away. But I did grow up in LA smog so who knows and I, allegedly had a case of Valley Fever one year at camp, so who knows again, I sure don’t. I’m hoping it’s my lost wandering ovaries that have found a home on my bladder and not anything else. I know they had to rebuild that whole area during my emergency hysterectomy because the fibroids were choking my bladder shut as well as my intestines and invading other areas. What was supposed to last less than an hour lasted four and a half hours to repair the damage so again, who knows what my innards have gotten up to.

Anyway, I guess future medical episodes are on the way

Just for you, Cim. 🙂