Tag Archive | grief

BunniHoTep and the Lost children 

I wrote this after the shootings in Virginia and it was my way of dealing with school shootings. I shouldn’t have to keep posting this! I hate that some men feel the need to do this.

Once upon a time BunniHoTep was sitting on the Temple Porch playing with some beads that Isis had given her, streams of coral and carnelian and lapis glowing quietly in the afternoon sunlight. The Priestesses were off somewhere doing their jobs and she was alone slowly meditating on how she would use the beads, maybe a collar or a belt.

She heard a low thundering coming toward the Temple. She stopped and listened. She was wondering what the noise was when Ammit’s head popped around the pillars at the end of the porch. “Ammit! What are you doing here? Aren’t you usually helping Ma’at now?” BunniHoTep asked.

“Yes, but she thought you could help us. We’re missing some souls that need weighing. They were due hours ago and Ma’at thinks they’re lost and don’t know they are dead. Ma’at thought that since you were the Finder of Lost Things you could help.” Ammit said breathing heavily and trying to get her breathe. Ammits aren’t built for running.

“What happened to their escort? Don’t you have that escort for them?” said BunniHoTep.

Ammit hung her head. “They weren’t on Anubis’s list. They weren’t supposed to go.”

“How did that happen?” BunniHoTep exclaimed.

“I said they weren’t supposed to die. One of Thoth’s students has been very unhappy and this morning he exploded. He was one of those people that don’t ever notice that other people are reaching out and trying to help them. He took a crossbow and shot a class of younger students. And then he got away and drowned himself in the Nile. Thoth is heartbroken, everyone had tried to help the student but he wouldn’t be helped. It’s so sad when someone won’t let themselves be loved and he hurt all those children too.” Ammit broke down sobbing.

“Ammit, please stop crying and we’ll go look. They are probably still in the classroom. I doubt they’ve gone far if they don’t know they are dead. We can find them.” BunniHoTep said, packing up her beads. ”Let’s go.”

BunniHoTep patted Ammit and they walked hurriedly down Temple Row towards Thoth’s temple. They walked through the Temple, priests and priestesses crying quietly as they cleaned up the damage and the blood. No one had ever done anything like this in a Temple. They had no frame of reference. What had they done wrong? Could they have done something differently? The Temple buzzed with the asked and unasked questions. Ammit and the small goddess moved through the crowd quietly. They hurried to the classroom area and found the bodies of the teacher and the children. BunniHoTep swallowed and choked back tears. She noticed that the seats were still full of children that she could see through.

“Why are you still here? Why haven’t you gone to Ma’at?”

“We’re waiting for our teacher. He left us behind. Why did he leave?” the children asked. They started to cry quietly.

“I don’t think he meant to leave without you. I think he thought you were following him and didn’t know you couldn’t. It’s going to be alright. Do you notice that you can see through the people out in the Temple.” The children nodded. “That’s because you aren’t in their world now. You are in Anubis’s world now. You are safe here. You will never be afraid or be in pain ever again. It will be alright now. Would you line up in a two straight lines and hold hands with your partner?” BunniHoTep took the two lead children’s hands and led them from the Temple and down to Ma’at’s Temple.

Ma’at was waiting at the top of the Temple steps. “Where would you like me to take them.” BunniHoTep asked.

“I don’t need to weigh their hearts. They haven’t lived long enough to know the evil that comes when you get older. Would you lead them to Anubis? He is ready for them. He is taking them to the place where children get to play in the sunshine.” Ma’at looked down and smiled at the children.

BunniHoTep led the children in their crocodile line to where Anubis was waiting. Ma’at hurried over, she’d had an idea. She looked at Anubis and pointed to the clear blue afternoon sky.

BunniHoTep gave the children hugs and kiss on their forehead. “Go with him and be good, won’t you?” The children nodded and turned to follow Anubis. The last child in line turned and waved shyly and followed the rest. BunniHoTep waved back and turned to walk back to her Temple.

Anubis took the children and walked up,up and up into the now twilight sky. He led them round the Great Bear and her child and asked if she would watch over the children. The Great Bear nodded, Yes.

And now when you look up into the deep night sky and see a line of stars that wind in and around the Great Bear and her child you will see a long line of stars. The Greeks called them the dragon or Draco but they are really a long line of children playing in the night sky.

BunniHoTep wondered how someone could be hurting so much that he would hurt children just starting out in life. She thought that some people could be so lost no one could ever find them and she thought that was one of the biggest tragedy of all. She wondered what it would take to reach one so lost from the family of man.

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Beloved Dead

Goddess, I miss him so much

Some years are worse than others

I miss my shadow

I miss my near twin

I miss his huge smile

I miss his hugs

Oh Goddess

Why does it not getting any easier?

He’s gone and he always will be

I miss his humour that was different from everyone else in the family

I miss when he didn’t get our jokes

I miss him trying

Goddess, grief is an unfillable hole

Yes, grief reminds us we loved

But oh, it hurts sometimes

It hurts to stand alone in the memories

Memories that only he and I held

I miss him hiding behind me when dad hit me

I miss being his protector

I miss him in the audience when I sang

I miss being his audience

Goddess. I’m selfish

I miss his love

I miss his smelly feet

I miss knowing I could call him if I needed

I miss the secret names we called each other

I miss seeing his eyes when we came out to each other

I miss the wonder of knowing he was gay too.

I miss knowing I wasn’t alone with my secret

I miss that he will never know how Harry Potter ended

The last book he read was number 6.

I miss that we can’t share Star Wars rebirth

He kidnapped me to the very first one

Insisting I would love it.

Goddess, I miss my baby brother

And it hurts so much…

Grief before someone dies is natural and nothing to be guilty about

What most people never talk about is the grieving you do before someone who is ill dies. I suspect most people feel guilty for grieving before but it’s real and it hurts just as much to watch someone die as after, sometimes more. More, because you feel alone because you don’t want to burden the person who is sick or the other family and friends.

Grief before can feel like a never ending tunnel that is only going to get worse. And it isn’t just the grief, it’s the tasks you are performing too. If you can get yourself into a head space of service it’s wonderful but sometimes you just can’t get there. Watching someone deteriorate before your eyes is hard and the physical things you have to do can make you resentful and grossed out and then you feel guilty for that and the losses mount up.

You think if you have to change one more diaper or change the bed one more time that you are going to run screaming down the hall and you get mad at them and at yourself. If you have to listen to one more delusion from someone in dementia or one more whine, you are just going to yell shut up!

You worry every time they bruise and they bruise at the slightest touch that you have done terrible harm even if the nurse or doctor tells you it just comes with it, you see the spread of purple and red and worry. They will stop eating and you want to try and make them even when told that it is a sign of their loosening of the ties to their physical body. And you go some place like your car and cry or just stare at the sky trying to gather yourself for another round.

I’ve been there now way too many times, now. This is your tax for loving. This is your tax for living and unless you are terribly narcississtic and selfish you do it and you keep on doing it. There is no reward for it except love. You have become a priestess of Hecate and no one asked you if you wanted to be a priestess of Hecate.

Hecate stands at the crossroads and waits for your loved one and you are one of the midwives that will hand your loved one to her. Brighid stand with you too and you are wrapped in her cloak ready to help you heal your heart.

It is natural and human to grieve before. Reach out and grab hands and hearts with people who are there to catch you. You may think you are alone but many people have been there before you and can be a light in the tunnel you see before you. Death is healing as much as any medicine. It is the end of pain for the person you love. It is not the end of your pain unfortunately but it can be shared. Let people help, Let people love you. And know that it is alright to grieve before and to keep going and you don’t have to be strong, you already are because you are there. You are not alone.

 

 

Goddess, I miss him

Goddess, I miss him so much

Some years are worse than others

I miss my shadow

I miss my near twin

I miss his huge smile

I miss his hugs

Oh Goddess

Why does it not getting any easier?

He’s gone and he always will be

I miss his humour that was different from everyone else in the family

I miss when he didn’t get our jokes

I miss him trying

Goddess, grief is an unfillable hole

Yes, grief reminds us we loved

But oh, it hurts sometimes

It hurts to stand alone in the memories

Memories that only he and I held

I miss him hiding behind me when dad hit me

I miss being his protector

I miss him in the audience when I sang

I miss being his audience

Goddess. I’m selfish

I miss his love

I miss his smelly feet

I miss knowing I could call him if I needed

I miss the secret names we called each other

I miss seeing his eyes when we came out to each other

I miss the wonder of knowing he was gay too.

I miss knowing I wasn’t alone with my secret

I miss that he will never know how Harry Potter ended

The last book he read was number 6.

I miss that we can’t share Star Wars rebirth

He kidnapped me to the very first one

Insisting I would love it.

Goddess, I miss my baby brother

And it hurts so much…

A prayer for the grieving

Sometimes I have to remember that I wouldn’t grieve if I didn’t love

Grief is the price of loving

Sometimes the price seems awfully high

And at the time when grief hurts the most

The price can be beyond what I want to pay

The price of being alive and awake to love

It’s the price we pay for being here

It’s the price for being able to wish on stars

It’s the price for seeing your love reflected in another’s eyes

It’s a price paid in hugs and smiles

It’s a price paid in tears and priceless words

It’s a price paid in the pain of losing and the pain of loss

I thank the Goddess for gifts of friendship

I thank the Goddess reflected in the faces of those I love

I thank the Goddess for grieving even in the midst of pain

Because it means I love.

Kat 2014

It’s going to be a rough week.

July 30th is always a hard day for me, thank heavens it’s not a weekday this year because I tend to turn into a sieve while also turning into my own version of a pensieve, so many memories. July 30th is the 11th anniversary of my little brother’s death.

Today the pensieve is serving up music which is always hard since music was a bond our whole family has. I remember lying on the floor with him, playing 78s from mom and dad’s collection of records. Everything from the Mikado and Victor Herbert to Bozo and the Birds and Danny Kaye telling fairy tales and Hans Christian Anderson’s stories and a lot of Scottish folk songs and Harry Lauder.

He was a year and half younger than me, so I had a shadow whether I wanted one or not. We were in choir together, and in bell choir and in school choir but he took a left turn and took up the trumpet after torturing us for a semester on the violin, it was not his instrument. He joined band and orchestra and I stayed firmly in choir but played my guitar and recorders at home, you can hide in choir.
Mom and dad took us to concerts and musicals from the time we were little. Some of my earliest memories are sleeping in dad’s lap at the Hollywood Bowl under a starry sky and watching deer creep down the hillsides. I think our first musical was Brigadoon but it may have been Peter and the wolf too.

When we got to college we took voice class together and I was always more terrified for him than me even when we had to do recitals. He went on to do musicals and I was stage security and prompter. I did take piano but had to drop out because every time I had to play in front of the class I spent the hour before vomiting from stage fright. When Cam took piano the professor recognized him by his hands. He told Cam I had the best piano hands he’d ever seen. Wish he’d told me that but I just couldn’t do it.

I have a rather eclectic music collection and I put my Kindle on shuffle today, I shouldn’t have. It started to play Broadway musicals and the switch got flipped. I remember him singing in Fiddler as one of the sons, I remember him in the chorus of Hello Dolly but most of all I remember him in Babes in Toyland.

He played Barnaby and had a grand time twisting his moustache and trying to scare small children. That was the show I did security because some idiot had designed the stage door to open onto the main hall and not into the dressing rooms. Cam had to navigate the hall to get to his dressing room and the first time he got kicked all the way down the hall by small children with hard shoes since you used to get dressed up to go to the show and tennies are not dress shoes. His shins were black and blue. Cam was the bad guy in the black cape lined in bright red and with his top had and moustache he was easy to see especially since he was 6’4”. After that night I was his protection and since I was really good at the death stare, no kid dared kick him. Pretty funny 5’8” me staring down 5 year olds and sending them running. Cam was a big teddy bear, I am not! And I’d already been camp counseling for 5 years so I was good at the death stare. He hated scaring the kids in real life,on stage it was funny, I thought it was funny, period. I wish I had a picture of him in full makeup. I’m sure there probably is one back at school but I would have no idea how to get something from the mid 1970’s from them.

He ended up getting his BM in Music, in Opera, the one kind of music besides rap I’m not that fond of and one in computer science after his brain cancer went into remission the first time.

So this is going to be a hard week and Saturday was Mary’s birthday so the fun just keeps coming. Sigh…

Say my name that I may live – Laura Janesdaughter

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For those gone too soon:

I give thanks for those who have gone beyond the veil.

Say my name that I may live!

I give thanks that they have touched my life

Say my name that I may live!

I remember the beauty of a face

Say my name that I may live!

I remember that they laughed

Say my name that I may live!

I remember that they cried

Say my name that I may live!

I remember that they were afraid

Say my name that I may live!

I remember that they were brave

Say my name that I may live!

I remember their smile

Say my name that I may live!

I remember the good about them

Say my name that I may live!

I remember their love

Say my name that I may live!

I remember them!

Say my name that I may live!

©Kat Robb