Tag Archive | fear

Facing Fear

 

My major maternal clan, the Cumming’s motto is Courage. Sometimes courage is a very hard thing. Sometimes it’s nothing more than putting one foot in front of the other and not going backwards. I have a totem because of something that made me very afraid as a child, the swan.

I got bitten  badly when my dad took me to feed swans at Forest Lawn when I was really little. I remember how painful it was and standing there dripping blood while Dad tried to wrap a hanky on my finger. All the while telling me it was my fault for not keeping my hand flat. I just remember the worst thing about it wasn’t the pain or the fact that a bird that was bigger than me had hurt me, no it was because something that looked so beautiful had hurt me.

Since that day anytime I’m supposed to face as a fear, they have shown up as symbols or icons and sometimes as the real thing. The morning Laura created us Druids in the Sepulveda Wildlife Sanctuary I went to Lake Balboa across the street on the way home. Usually it’s full of geese and in winter white pelicans but that day when I was all by myself there was a swan and 2 cygnets. At the time we didn’t know Laura had multiple myeloma or that Mary had ALS and I wondered why they had shown up because seeing them right after a major ritual can’t be a coincidence. Those two women have showed me immense bravery in facing their illnesses and in the way they chose to die.

When Laura’s stuff was divided and given out to her priestesses on top of the box was a stuffed swan and it sits now in our living room in a chair with BunniHoTep and her sister goddess BunniDite.

Before I go to bed every night I check in with them and lately I just ask that all will be well, whatever well may be. I want the courage to face whatever this is even if it’s nothing but I’m feeling a small and a lot like Piglet who was my brother’s totem.

 

Fears

Tomorrow is another medical testing day. I get to have an MRI of my abdomen since they found an Intrabdominal pelvic mass after the last ultrasound and CT scan. I hate MRIs. This is number 11 on the lifetime scale. I wasn’t claustrophobic until about number 4 or 5 when they shoved me head first in instead of feet first and I so wanted to try the open MRI but they aren’t as effective as a closed one so this time I’m letting them sedate me before hand.

And this time, I’m scared. It could be nothing more than one of my ovaries that they haven’t been able to find or it could be ovarian or bladder cancer or some other fun growth that my body has decided to cultivate. As one of my doctors has told me multiple times, if your body grows things, it grows things. What he meant was if you have a body that likes to make things like skin tags or moles or fibroids, it’s prone to grow other things like polyps and cancer. The same triggers contribute to growing things as small as skin tags can contribute to growing big things like cancer. I have that kind of body.

So, I’m growing something they can’t yet identify. I feel like a science experiment since no one can figure out what is making me sick. We find some things but they aren’t a solution to the problem or it doesn’t keep working.

At the moment, I’m acutely aware of my mortality. Losing Mary was so hard and I don’t want to do anything more to my friends and family. I saw my little brother, Frosty and Laura fight their cancers and lose. That is a train I don’t want to catch.

I know I should try to stay in the moment and not let my mind go forward into dark places with bad endings since it may be nothing or something easily taken care of but my odds aren’t that great since my family’s cancer history is huge.

Anyway, I’m trying to be in the moment and not mentally go where I have no business going until I have an answer, even if it’s more testing like a biopsy.

I can only change this moment, not the future and certainly not the past.

Breathe…

We were 7 and 8
My sister and I
Lost in the woods
When lightening filled up the sky
As we ran through the ran
We knew where to head
To the light on the porch
“Come home!” like Mama said

Chorus

Follow the light
When you’re lonely and lost
When out on the ocean
You are tumbled and tossed
Follow your heart
Wherever you may be
Follow the light on home to me

Out on the sea
The waves heave and rise
Far from the shore
When a storm mounts the skies
We look for a sign
For some welcoming sight
A beacon from home
To guide us on this night

Chorus

Bridge

There’s a hole in our skyline
There’s a hole in our town
There’s a hole in our hearts
The whole world around
How do we heal?
How do we see
The mercy that shines in you and me?
(We follow the light…)

When the world feels so big
And we seem so small
And you wonder if life
Has any meaning left at all
When you’re losing your heart
When you’re losing the fight
Hold on to my hand
And we will follow the light

©2001 John McCutcheon/Appalsongs (ASCAP)

Love is always better than fear

Thank you for reminding me that I have friends in both the physical world and the virtual world who like me because I’m me and don’t rule me out of their lives because of homophobia.

 

It occurs me how sad some people’s lives must be to hate somebody because of something that isn’t harmful and can’t be changed by the object of the hatred. What kind of small, limited person doesn’t like someone because they are gay or of a colour they believe makes them worthy of being hated or someone who has a disability, or even has a religion that makes them hated? What kind of wonderful people are they missing who might have filled their lives with love and light? Why would you hate someone solely because of who they love? Pretty colourless world if you ask me.

 

I’m not perfect. I have to admit if I find out you are fundamentalist anything, I’m probably not going to choose to be your friend until I find out more. I hate willfully stupid people or people who choose to hate or do something stupid because someone told them so and don’t investigate for themselves. I don’t particularly like people who have no common sense or logic and I don’t like petty or mean people or people I consider to have a poor grasp of ethics. I don’t like people who are Creationists/Pro-life (they seem to got together.) and then deny services to children and the mothers who are forced to bear children and have no way to care for them.  Or not look at the fact that human fetuses pass through all the stages of evolution in the 9 months before they are born, ie; gills, tails, coats of thick primate fur, etc. before actually looking like the baby they expect.

 

So yes there are people I miss out on knowing but I don’t judge them on what can’t be helped. I have gay friends, I have straight friends, I have bi friends, I have trans friends, I have friends of all colours, I have friends of many religions including Pastafarians. It makes my life a tapestry of love. I hope I enrich their the tapestry of their lives too.

 

It must be sad to have some much hate in your life for people you don’t even know.