Tag Archive | cam

Goddess, I miss him

Goddess, I miss him so much

Some years are worse than others

I miss my shadow

I miss my near twin

I miss his huge smile

I miss his hugs

Oh Goddess

Why does it not getting any easier?

He’s gone and he always will be

I miss his humour that was different from everyone else in the family

I miss when he didn’t get our jokes

I miss him trying

Goddess, grief is an unfillable hole

Yes, grief reminds us we loved

But oh, it hurts sometimes

It hurts to stand alone in the memories

Memories that only he and I held

I miss him hiding behind me when dad hit me

I miss being his protector

I miss him in the audience when I sang

I miss being his audience

Goddess. I’m selfish

I miss his love

I miss his smelly feet

I miss knowing I could call him if I needed

I miss the secret names we called each other

I miss seeing his eyes when we came out to each other

I miss the wonder of knowing he was gay too.

I miss knowing I wasn’t alone with my secret

I miss that he will never know how Harry Potter ended

The last book he read was number 6.

I miss that we can’t share Star Wars rebirth

He kidnapped me to the very first one

Insisting I would love it.

Goddess, I miss my baby brother

And it hurts so much…

I was reading the Time magazine article on how our siblings effect us all our lives and what they teach us so I was thinking this morning and came up with a list.

What a having a brother like Cam teaches you:

That boys aren’t really that creepy
That sharing won’t kill you (cookies and popsicles can be split)
That you can live with violations of your personal space (He’s on MY SIDE! He TOUCHED ME!)
That love and like are not the same thing
That once he’s taller than you, you really shouldn’t hit him any more (So run faster)
That when he’s grown he can give you really nice hugs
That you if you’re really sneaky you can shift the blame and negotiate afterwards
That you can make friends if he breaks the way for you.
That it’s okay to be different and disagree with each other
How to make peace
To give
To keep trying
To have hope
To live
How to love

What I taught my brother:

Dirt won’t kill you
Long distance running can be fun
Just because he’s in the treehouse doesn’t mean I can’t get him
That girls are tough too
That people with a disability can do things too
How to love strange creatures like frogs and tadpoles and me
That I would do anything to protect him from others while reserving the right to pound him. And that all her crazy friends would defend him too when straight people were stupid enough to call him “faggot”.
Never to annoy a woman who is having PMS unless you liked being locked out of the house in your underwear
That he could never feminize his 2 dykey sisters, they were never going to wear a dress for him unless it was a kilt. No matter how “queer eye” he used to get on us.
That he had 2 people that no matter how different they were from him loved him no matter what
To be silly and play and not take himself so seriously
To laugh at himself and us
To love

I should also add that he showed me the graceful way to come out of the closet even if that isn’t the way I did it.

This may sound odd but I’m finding grief is changing me and my view point. For awhile after Cam died it was just a big black hole I had somehow fallen into but now it has changed. Or I’m at least noticing the change now. Now it is more like an alle of trees in spring. Where you move in an out of warm sunlight and more and more the warmth of the sunlight is the warmth of his memory in my mind. It’s not painful most of the time. Yes, there are the shadow times but it’s more sunlight now.

Thank heavens though on Christmas we won’t be home. The whole family is going to Disneyland to be as silly as possible and that will be good

Hymn to Osiris

The doors of perception open; what was hidden has been revealed. It is myself I see and a thousand colors swirling in liquid light. I am where the sun sets below the mountains. I am in this body. I am that star rising above clouds hung by a thread from its ocean moon. Hail myself, traversing eternity walking among gods, a shuttle flying across the loom through the thread of time. This is all one place; one cloth: a mans’ life endures. On earth flowers grow, snakes crawl and wisdom lies in the palm of a hand. All that is will be—hawks and sparrows, the thousand lives within.

I have come home. I have entered humanhood, bound to rocks and plants, men and women, rivers and sky. I shall be with you in this and other worlds. When the cat arches in the doorway, think of me. I have sometimes been like that. When two men greet each other in the street, I am there speaking to you. When you look up, know I am there—-sun and moon pouring out my love around you. All these things am I, portents, images, signs. Though apart, I am a part of you. One of the million things in the universe, I am the universe, too. You think I disguise myself as rivers and trees simply to confuse you? Whatever I am, woman, cat or lotus, the same god breathes in every body. You and I together are a single creation. Neither death nor spite nor fear nor ignorance stops my love for you.

May we come and go in and out of heaven through the gates of starlight. As the houses of earth fill with dancing and song, so filled are the houses of heaven. I come, in truth. I sail a long river and row back again. It is joy to breathe under the stars. I am the sojourner destined to walk a thousand years until I arrive at myself.

TRANSLATION Normandi Ellis

This is one of the places Cam took us when we visited him. The Baylands Nature reserve.

It is a truly beautiful place and I’m glad we got to share it with him. That weekend he took us so many places that were important to him and we got to tease the heck out of him and treat him like he wasn’t sick most of the time and even tho it tired him out I’m hope he enjoyed it as much as we did. Scott got to learn where Cam’s crazy side came from and a lot of silly stories Cam would never tell on himself.

Loss of a partner in crime

I knew it was going to hurt but I didn’t know it was going to hurt this much. There is no one on earth who knows who you are like a sibling. No one else understands the forces and the secrets that made you, you or they, them.

Mom always divided us up by our talents but we all had the same ones, just expressed them differently. She would say I was the visual and verbal and Cam was the musical one and Alison was the athlete.

And to some extent that was true, yes, I was a good writer and artist but I still got in All State honor choir and I was a gymnast and dancer. But Cam was a good photographer and an excellent writer and took up dancing after years of making fun of me for teaching folkdance and backpacking. He used to say we were his 2 jock sisters.

He turned me into a warrior because he was so small and Dad wanted to beat the crap out of someone, I always made sure it was me and not him. That he was safe under a table or out of the way. Because if Dad hit me he would go in his room and leave us alone. So I got in the habit of being fierce and confrontational, not always the best strategy but it worked at home.

Outside the house it was Cam that was friendly and made friends easily. Cam could sparkle. I was too touched by darkness to sparkle like Cam. His sense of humour was very different from the rest of ours and he got frustrated sometimes and of course it was thing Ali and I could get him on.

No one else on the planet could get my goat like Cam, to make me go from 0-60 in fury like him. all he had to do was say “I know something you don’t know” and smirk and I was ready to flatten him. Didn’t matter whether he knew anything or not. And yet we loved each other and could stand united against our parents. When we came out to each other it was just one more thing to bind us. When my friends were all becoming lesbian separatists there was no way I was, I had a gay little brother.

There is such a hole in my heart I can hardly think about it and I think there will be for the rest of my life because Bugro Nelson is gone now and he’ll never punch me again for calling him that, the big booger.