Archive | September 19, 2016

Small children do commit suicide

I wrote on this a long time ago but when people don’t believe small children will commit suicide or they don’t understand a child can believe death is permanent, they would be wrong. I can tell you that almost every day when I was small (Under 9) I was planning it.

I thought about it all the time and my gauge was my guessing how much that particular thing would hurt. It’s why I jumped off the roof to see if I could fly like Mary Martin in Peter Pan. That one hurt a lot since I landed straight legged, I was 2 or 3.

When I was little cars didn’t have seatbelts and every time I was in the car and next to the door I wondered how much it would hurt to open the door and fall out.
Every time I was some place high where I could fall, how much would that hurt?

I was actively planning it all the time. My mom made it clear that I was not perfect so I was not wanted. I had disabilities that got me beaten up at school on a regular basis. I could read at a much higher grade level than my peers, that got me beaten up. (I could read at 10th grade level in 3rd grade) Some days my dad loved me and some days he beat the crap out of me. I wanted out. If it hadn’t been for my grandparents I probably would have done it. Going to their house or out of them or having them there to visit or take the family out to lunch and I would have done it. I would have kept at it until I was successful.

My sister being born when I was 9 1/2 and moving to a different city helped even though I could never stop believing that I was about to get beaten up. By then it was too late and I had learned to flinch.

Reading also helped, because I could read I could travel to Oz, or investigate with Nancy Drew.

But let no one tell you children don’t try to commit suicide because it isn’t true