Cancer is scary as hell or grounding is hard

Do you think they let you load your hospital gown with hematite before surgery? Having trouble sleeping and grounding. I don’t think sleeping will be a problem once the anesthesia kicks in although I have come roaring awake and almost off the table during procedures when something has been done that wasn’t discussed first. I had the hand prints from the nurses trying to make me lie back down the first time.

Now I warn doctors to talk to me even if they think I’m out like a light and my gastro said I’m really hard to anesthetize. Guess that red headed thing is true. Redheads allegedly need more anesthetic and more painkiller than non redheads. Last time I was at the dentist we got up to 13 shots of novocaine for a tooth cleaning. My nerves aren’t where they belong either.

On the other hand, I’m perfectly capable of an out of body experience and have done that too when I got really sick once at camp and had 105 fever and an infection after minor surgery. I remember sitting in the corner of the ceiling watching everyone run around my unconscious body and thinking, I so do not care. They even dropped me on the way to the car and I just couldn’t be bothered to go back and when I got there I woke up slightly and they gave me a shot of fenergan and the nurse remarked she had never had someone not complain about the pain of the shot. The next morning when I was brought back and they remembered to take my blood pressure it was 80/60.

So I need to stay grounded in my body no matter what and not become a little pink cloud and decide I need to float off somewhere because I see something pretty in the distance.

Grounding can be hard. When I’m grounded I sleep easily almost the moment I lay down, when I’m not grounded I don’t sleep or I have disturbed sleep. I haven’t had a good night sleep in a while. The monsters under the bed called “What if” come out and run around at 3:00 am. Somehow my sister’s cat knows this and sometimes she comes down the hall and drapes herself over me and purrs. It’s pretty good at scaring the “what ifs” away. After over 30 years in the Craft I know just about every grounding meditation known to humankind and have made up a few of my own but sometimes you can become immune to it for lack of a better term and the monsters are overwhelming. I did discover the Underground Apps on Kindle and they have some pretty cool nature jigsaw puzzles and if you crank the piece number up you can really keep one going and it becomes mindless. Colouring only works if I turn on the light and that would disturb my sister.

When I’m awake during the day, I’m pretty calm and pretty much accepting of what is coming but at night all bets are off. I worry about them having to resect my bowels like they say they might. I worry that the reason my leg is getting numb is that it’s pressing on spinal nerves. I worry about catheters and their propensity to be high ways for germs. I worry if I’m scaring people or disappointing them in some way. I worry about my sister and the fact that if something happens to me, she is the last one in the family and will be alone. I worry about all kinds of stupid shit. When I was little I worried about everything to the point of tearing out all the hair on both sides of my head a hair at a time before my eye surgery because in those days you didn’t talk to kids about hospitals and I overheard them talking and just snatched myself bald including eyelashes and eyebrows by the time they told me and they figured out why my hair was disappearing.

I grew out of it after I moved out of my parent’s house pretty much. It does come back from time to time like when I was off work but at the moment the screaming mimis are running around at night and they haven’t got a nanny. I visualize them as the bad Minions sometimes. I love the Minions but not these guys.

I’m probably blowing everything out of proportion but cancer is scary no matter how you slice it. It’s just scary as hell.

 

9 thoughts on “Cancer is scary as hell or grounding is hard

  1. It indeed is, it just is. And surgeries are scary and anesthesie and well I think doctors are scary and them touching me, not telling what they’re doing too. They have to say everything and they often find that really hard, because it is routine for them. I also want to know why they’re doing it, that helps. I think I would just keep nagging if necessary, since just shutting up hasn’t worked out. And they’re there to help you as best as they can.

    I think you’re really strong and it’s good that you warn them about everything. I’m hard to put under too (apparently, from experiences) and I can imagine that it’s even worse for you as a redhead. I hope you don’t have problems with painkillers too (my body is extra sensitive to pain and I already have to take painkillers chronically, but a lot of doctors tend to forget that, especially after surgeries and things like that). Even if doctors or nurses don’t seem to believe you, keep telling them. You know your body the best and there are ‘exceptions’ in the medical field, but I often experience that they really don’t know how to handle that. But when you encounter a good doctor, one that looks at you as an individual and believen you, that’s just great.

    I wish you a lot of strength and support. I hope you’ll be able to ground better. It’s good that you know those things will happen, but sadly that doesn’t immediately make it easy to prevent/stop them. But you’re trying your best, so I hope you won’t be too hard on yourself if it doesn’t go as well as you wish.

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    • Thanks, this is my 6th inpatient surgery and I’ve had a ton of outpatient surgeries. My first was in 1961 and it was a really, really bad experience due to a nurse that should never have been allowed near children. She gave you shots in the butt in the same place every time and if you cried because it hurt she spanked there too. She also said evil things. I hope when she was old she got the same treatment. Mymom got the measles before I was born pre-vaccine so I had disabilities too. Or rather other people thought they were disbilitiies. I didn’t know they were until people pointed them out.
      Blessings!

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      • Ugh that’s awful. Hopefully that won’t happen anymore. I think it’s really strong that you still had other surgeries, even if you ‘just’ have to. We probably can stand up more against those people, although it’s difficult when you’re all woosy and nauseous from the meds. And the past few years they are a lot more about authority and being a professional.
        I see what you mean. They don’t have to disable you at all. I don’t mind calling myself disabled, it makes it clearer for people and usually a bit easier. But that was a process. It doesn’t mean that I think I’m pathetic or can’t do anything. It just means I need to adapt things and sometimes need help. But I totally understand if people don’t want to be called that. I think it’s also because how different people usually treat you and sadly, usually that’s not an improvement. Oh well, I’m going say too much off-topic here, I’m sorry 😉

        Stay strong, you can do all this. And I hope I can give you some support and blessings too, from here.

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  2. Oh, no! I’m sorry. I have been so far out of the bloggy world since late October that I didn’t realize you had a diagnosis and that you have to have surgery. I have been thinking about you, sending what good vibes I could. I will try to start sending you second degree Reiki to see if that helps. When I think about it I don’t believe in it. But they say that my belief doesn’t count it is the intention and the healing happens in spite of me. If your spirit accepts or rejects for whatever it needs instead, is also out of my control. But I can send it with love and let the universe sort it out. Meanwhile… hugs!

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      • I’m curious about why wait. What happened? I have seen things turn out quite differently that I thought it should yet often am amazed at how well it all turned out in the end. I consider myself a student so teach me what you have learned about it. Please.

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        • The first time I had Reiki it was on my ulcer and it took me backwards through the whole ulcer process and I ended up in fetal position on the floor screaming in pain because it happened over about 2 hours. I’ve been told since that when friends have done Reiki with out me knowing it at the time that they have gotten some really strange feedback. My body reacts very oddly to Reiki and I have no idea why and I used to be the practice dummy for one of my friends when she was teaching Reiki and Omega back in the early 80s and weird shit happened like dead relatives checking the people out learning and scaring the bejesus out of them/

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  3. Here’s a thought… You may have already tried this, but this is what usually works for me. You are a Highlander. You were born to fight. You are the product of the survivors of a thousand years of bloody battles. Everything in your instinct is saying “you don’t lay down and sleep if someone is about to cut you!”. What I do when I can’t sleep is visualize myself a mighty warrior in fierce battle, cutting down my enemies with my inherited family sword. You could turn the cancer cells into disgusting little goblins and defeat them in the realm of imagination. Anyway. Just a thought. Sometimes grounding just doesn’t cut it.

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    • Oh, I’ve been in warrior mode since the diagnosis after all the Cumming clan battle cry is Courage! But I’d still like to get some deep sleep and not feel I’m at war.

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