Do you think they let you load your hospital gown with hematite before surgery? Having trouble sleeping and grounding. I don’t think sleeping will be a problem once the anesthesia kicks in although I have come roaring awake and almost off the table during procedures when something has been done that wasn’t discussed first. I had the hand prints from the nurses trying to make me lie back down the first time.
Now I warn doctors to talk to me even if they think I’m out like a light and my gastro said I’m really hard to anesthetize. Guess that red headed thing is true. Redheads allegedly need more anesthetic and more painkiller than non redheads. Last time I was at the dentist we got up to 13 shots of novocaine for a tooth cleaning. My nerves aren’t where they belong either.
On the other hand, I’m perfectly capable of an out of body experience and have done that too when I got really sick once at camp and had 105 fever and an infection after minor surgery. I remember sitting in the corner of the ceiling watching everyone run around my unconscious body and thinking, I so do not care. They even dropped me on the way to the car and I just couldn’t be bothered to go back and when I got there I woke up slightly and they gave me a shot of fenergan and the nurse remarked she had never had someone not complain about the pain of the shot. The next morning when I was brought back and they remembered to take my blood pressure it was 80/60.
So I need to stay grounded in my body no matter what and not become a little pink cloud and decide I need to float off somewhere because I see something pretty in the distance.
Grounding can be hard. When I’m grounded I sleep easily almost the moment I lay down, when I’m not grounded I don’t sleep or I have disturbed sleep. I haven’t had a good night sleep in a while. The monsters under the bed called “What if” come out and run around at 3:00 am. Somehow my sister’s cat knows this and sometimes she comes down the hall and drapes herself over me and purrs. It’s pretty good at scaring the “what ifs” away. After over 30 years in the Craft I know just about every grounding meditation known to humankind and have made up a few of my own but sometimes you can become immune to it for lack of a better term and the monsters are overwhelming. I did discover the Underground Apps on Kindle and they have some pretty cool nature jigsaw puzzles and if you crank the piece number up you can really keep one going and it becomes mindless. Colouring only works if I turn on the light and that would disturb my sister.
When I’m awake during the day, I’m pretty calm and pretty much accepting of what is coming but at night all bets are off. I worry about them having to resect my bowels like they say they might. I worry that the reason my leg is getting numb is that it’s pressing on spinal nerves. I worry about catheters and their propensity to be high ways for germs. I worry if I’m scaring people or disappointing them in some way. I worry about my sister and the fact that if something happens to me, she is the last one in the family and will be alone. I worry about all kinds of stupid shit. When I was little I worried about everything to the point of tearing out all the hair on both sides of my head a hair at a time before my eye surgery because in those days you didn’t talk to kids about hospitals and I overheard them talking and just snatched myself bald including eyelashes and eyebrows by the time they told me and they figured out why my hair was disappearing.
I grew out of it after I moved out of my parent’s house pretty much. It does come back from time to time like when I was off work but at the moment the screaming mimis are running around at night and they haven’t got a nanny. I visualize them as the bad Minions sometimes. I love the Minions but not these guys.
I’m probably blowing everything out of proportion but cancer is scary no matter how you slice it. It’s just scary as hell.