Archive | January 6, 2016

A prayer for Survival of Mercury Retrograde

Goddess, give me the strength and energy to survive

This Mercury Retrograde

Give me the patience of water wearing at a rock

The quick relentless energy of the red squirrel

The stick- to-it-veness of a lichen

The intelligence of the blue whale

The ability to rise from the mud of a lotus

The impassiveness when dealing with rude, stupid people of a redwood

The strength of an oak tree

The force when necessary of an octopus

And the ability to adapt of a chameleon.

Give me peace

Give me grace

Give me calmness in the face of exaggerated crisis mode

On the part of others

Let me be grounded

Let me be flexible

Let me have the ability to let things pass around me

And on to somewhere else

Goddess help me.

I fucking hate Mercury Retrograde

I’m not someone who lives in denial if I can help it. I grew up with a mom that permanently lived on the river Nile and then would panic when she couldn’t and would make ill-advised decisions and it made me nuts. When I was a kid she was the only one allowed to be sick or allowed to be angry. Now I live my sister who is the same way about the allowed to be angry thing. Only she is allowed to yell. If I yell, she whines I’m yelling at her when she just bellowed at me. She always got away with that with mom and dad because she was the baby. I’m done with it, at 50 years old she needs to grow up and maybe live on her own. I don’t need the stress at the moment.

I do know that it is definitely Mercury Retrograde since we were just issued a check in my mom’s name and the credit union won’t accept her death certification and to reissue the check the issuer wants fucking power of attorney papers which have never existed because I just paid all her bills and did all the okaying of anything medical and she’s been dead for 8 frigging years. Grrrrr! And the credit union is holding the death certificate hostage unless I close her acct which is also in my name. They supposedly mailed the check back. I’m hoping that maybe a check cashing place will take it because it’s a fairly large check and it’s the payment we got from selling the storage unit from closing the house. There were so many things I wanted to keep but there was just no room in our already crowded apartment. That’s what happens when you grow up in a huge house and then the family passes away. Not exactly necessary to have an ornate inlaid parquet dining room table that seats 16 when there are only 2 left. And we still ended up with a children’s table at holiday dinners. I can still see my great-grandmother sitting at it drinking coffee and speaking with her Swedish accent.

I really regret losing my full set of How and Why science books. I loved those things but they were horribly out of date. Right now having less things seems like a good idea even though I feel like I lost part of my heart. I keep telling myself I still have the memories and who knows in a year’s time I may not even be here. I hope so but I can’t count on that.

My favourite holiday is coming up. I love La Feule Brighid AKA Feb 2. It means more this year even than normal since I will be not that long out of surgery. I just hope it doesn’t rain that night when I put the Brighid’s cloths out for her blessings for the year.

)O(

I’m trying not to get too stressed before this surgery and it isn’t working. I’m not sleeping and grumpipants AKA the sibling I live with is complaining about every fucking thing like it’s my fault. I do not care at the moment about the apt gate being frozen because of the rain. I do not care that we are the only ones who ever WD40 it when the rest of the apt building is full of men. I do not fucking care that we need new blinds. I do not fucking care that the dishwasher does not clean anything. I do not care that the apartment building owner is incapable of cleaning our gutters or mending roof leaks. None of this is new and the sibling yelling at me is not going to change it. And If I say anything about the unending complaints I’m the one that hurt her feelings. I do not fucking care. Fix it or shut up or deal.

I’m worried about am I going to get better or do I have to go through chemo or radiation.

I fucking hate Mercury Retrograde.