Archive | November 16, 2015

Fears

Tomorrow is another medical testing day. I get to have an MRI of my abdomen since they found an Intrabdominal pelvic mass after the last ultrasound and CT scan. I hate MRIs. This is number 11 on the lifetime scale. I wasn’t claustrophobic until about number 4 or 5 when they shoved me head first in instead of feet first and I so wanted to try the open MRI but they aren’t as effective as a closed one so this time I’m letting them sedate me before hand.

And this time, I’m scared. It could be nothing more than one of my ovaries that they haven’t been able to find or it could be ovarian or bladder cancer or some other fun growth that my body has decided to cultivate. As one of my doctors has told me multiple times, if your body grows things, it grows things. What he meant was if you have a body that likes to make things like skin tags or moles or fibroids, it’s prone to grow other things like polyps and cancer. The same triggers contribute to growing things as small as skin tags can contribute to growing big things like cancer. I have that kind of body.

So, I’m growing something they can’t yet identify. I feel like a science experiment since no one can figure out what is making me sick. We find some things but they aren’t a solution to the problem or it doesn’t keep working.

At the moment, I’m acutely aware of my mortality. Losing Mary was so hard and I don’t want to do anything more to my friends and family. I saw my little brother, Frosty and Laura fight their cancers and lose. That is a train I don’t want to catch.

I know I should try to stay in the moment and not let my mind go forward into dark places with bad endings since it may be nothing or something easily taken care of but my odds aren’t that great since my family’s cancer history is huge.

Anyway, I’m trying to be in the moment and not mentally go where I have no business going until I have an answer, even if it’s more testing like a biopsy.

I can only change this moment, not the future and certainly not the past.

Breathe…

We were 7 and 8
My sister and I
Lost in the woods
When lightening filled up the sky
As we ran through the ran
We knew where to head
To the light on the porch
“Come home!” like Mama said

Chorus

Follow the light
When you’re lonely and lost
When out on the ocean
You are tumbled and tossed
Follow your heart
Wherever you may be
Follow the light on home to me

Out on the sea
The waves heave and rise
Far from the shore
When a storm mounts the skies
We look for a sign
For some welcoming sight
A beacon from home
To guide us on this night

Chorus

Bridge

There’s a hole in our skyline
There’s a hole in our town
There’s a hole in our hearts
The whole world around
How do we heal?
How do we see
The mercy that shines in you and me?
(We follow the light…)

When the world feels so big
And we seem so small
And you wonder if life
Has any meaning left at all
When you’re losing your heart
When you’re losing the fight
Hold on to my hand
And we will follow the light

©2001 John McCutcheon/Appalsongs (ASCAP)

Today’s reading

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Waters of Life

Ace of Cups 

The waters of life retain the ancient wisdom ready for reawakening. The moonlit pool of the universal soul retains all memory, ready to renew the inspired quest. 

…one receives new inspiration from ancestral wisdom. 

The ice of winter melts with a renewal of inspiration, and one is emotionally awakened. Sensuality returns.