Archive | April 7, 2015

Not dealing well with my fear

I lived in fear the 4 years my car was unregistered. After being unemployed for 5 ½ years there was just no money to register it and no way to get it until a month ago when I got my first bonus and it all went to the smog check and the registration. It came to almost a $1000 to finally register it. And I admit I only did it because I finally got a fix it ticket to get registered. They were nice about it. They could of impounded it and then it would have sat in some lot and been auctioned off because there was no way I had the money to do it. So when I got my bonus, I got it registered but as I’ve said I lived in fear every time I drove the thing which is why I took the bus or the train everywhere I could. I did keep it insured and in good working order but I didn’t drive it which is how a car in LA that is 10 years old only has 60,000 miles on it instead of the over 100,000 it probably would have normally. And I have to admit the extra hour and a half of reading and other things I can do while not driving to work is kind of nice, especially since work pays full freight to take the bus or train.

But I need to deal with the fear. It has gone on so long that the fear of being stopped is a habit. This is not helped by the fact that I have been stopped too many times for no good reason by the police over the years. When I had a 63 Ford Galaxie Station wagon, I got stopped by the cops about once every 6 months because it was old and I had neighborhoods like San Marino where only the gardeners had old trucks. I was a professional Girl Scout at the time. I had 5 neighborhoods most of which were upper middle class neighborhoods or in the case of San Marino, old money rich. It’s the birthplace of the John Birch Society for Goddess sake. So I would get stopped by the San Marino police that at the time had only 2 cars for driving an old car and the cops would look at me in my Girl Scout uniform and look stupid when they saw me. You would think after a few times they might recognize a car with Girl Scout bumper stickers but noooo this went on until I bought a new car finally but I never forgot the fear of being stopped just because the car was old and even though my skin can’t get much whiter unless I glow in the dark.

I got stopped in it going up to camp in my Girl Scout greenies because a LA County Sherriff needed new glasses and had a ride along he wanted to impress. He accused us of stealing the car. I’m afraid I got mad and told him off. Who fucking steals a car wearing Girl Scout greenie shorts, green knee highs with bright yellow flashes and bright yellow camp shirts and Girl Scout patch jackets? Did I mention I had a bright yellow hat on with green wings and my best friend had a bright orange one with blue horns? Yeah that’s what a car thief wears. My friend was telling me to shut up and hitting my leg the whole time I ripped the idiot a new one because he refused to go back to the car and call it in because of the ride along. He finally after about 20 minutes of this went and called it in and he had gotten it wrong. Did he admit it? Hell no, he just told us to go. No apology, just go.

I also got terrorized by a really dumb Glendale cop walking to the bus from home. It was Halloween and I was walking wearing my Girl Scout greenies as my costume when I see a bumper of a car slowly moving behind me out of my left eye. The idiot gets out of the car and ordered me to stop. He went through my back pack and demanded ID because someone had called in a prowler. Seriously? I’m 4 houses down from my own house. And Stupid didn’t recognize me. He knew me, he was security in our store and the security office was right by my station. He saw me at least 3 times a week but the idiot didn’t recognize me and I was terrified. When I saw that car bumper I thought I was going to get raped until I saw it was a cop car. He finally let me go after I had missed my bus. And I told him next time he worked exactly what I thought of him and he never apologized and he should have and I let him know that too.

The first 10 years we lived in out apartment there was a crazy woman in the building and the cops and the fire dept would come periodically when she would lock whatever current care giver she had out of the apartment. The fire dept always knew the difference between Apt 1 and 4 and would go there but not once did the cops go to the right apartment, nooo, they would bang on our door and demand to be let in after jumping over the security fence and gate with their guns out. For an 80 year old crazy lady who can’t even climb down the stairs?  I’m afraid I would answer the door and let them know that I thought their reading skills needed work if they couldn’t tell 1s from 4s.

Anyway, cops still invoke fear in me, and now the car is registered you would think I could just breathe and let it go but I can’t and I have to drive from Woodland Hills to Pasadena to the doctor’s today. So not looking forward to this.


What is a woman?

The Feministahood

Again and again I hear people criticise women generally, and feminists in particular, for not accepting transwomen as “real” women and for “excluding” them. Trans people are oppressed, they say, and these so-called exclusionary behaviours and attitudes create the dogma behind this oppression just as racism is the dogma behind the oppression of Black people. It is misguided, they say, and dangerous and is called transphobia, which makes you, me, anyone who doesn’t agree with them, a bigot who deserves to go to hell with all fascists and racists.

But when feminists try to explain that of course they oppose all discrimination and violence against trans people, but there are issues that are complicated that we need to look at, discuss, understand, it seems that our accusers won’t listen. (Not that this is a surprise – not listening to women is, after all, a major characteristic of male supremacy.) In…

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Today’s reading



  The Fox
Knight of Wands

The qualities of cunning and stalking combined with great alertness and curiosity make the fox a stealthy night hunter. Often seen at dawn, the fox retains a beguiling mixture of wisdom and playfulness.

A quick-witted person able to weave in and out of situations, usually turning them to their own advantage. Difficult to ‘pin down’ or to be sure of their motives. Someone often on the edge of society. A wanderer.

The fox (and raven) are the trickster archetypes of our mythology.