Are You a True Scottish American; Celt or Gael?
Any of the first statements are automatic qualifiers.
You must:
- Like the taste of haggis and eat it willingly.
- Have red hair. This includes eyebrows, eyelashes, pubic hair and mustache. (ladies too.)
- Like and collect bagpipe music. Will willingly endure an indoor bagpipe concert. The sound of massed pipe bands make you cry and not from pain.
- Wear a kilt in public, no matter what your knees look like or whether the wind is blowing. (fishing weights can be wonderful things as well as bike shorts. Regimental can be chilly.
You should:
1. Accept that your ancestors as well as being royalty were also horse thieves, cattle rustlers, sheep thieves and murderers.. Be especially proud of the latter.
2. Realize that dessert will be shortbread, trifle, or have oats in it and be excessively sweet. Do Not Expect Chocolate. Unless it is that curious thing called a deep fried Mars bar.
3. Occasionally contemplate how well your enemies heads would look in wall niches.
4. Know the Gaelic word for Englishman. Use it as a cuss word frequently
5. Keep your sporran at the correct height, men, It was originally to protect your private parts. Although how much protection a bag of oats is a subject for discussion.
6. Realize that you are usually on the losing side of a war. That’s how your ancestors got to this country isn’t it? But you’ll fight anyway, it’s the fight that counts, right?
7. Realize the dour expression on the face of most Scots comes from wearing woolen underwear. It’s not polite to scratch.
8. Bathe regularly, remember the English hated us because we did. They couldn’t smell us coming but we could sure smell them.
9. Always play with your target before going in for the kill. There is a reason so many Scottish clans have cats on their clan badges.
10. Remember the old saying: The Irish drink as an avocation, the Scots do it as a profession. That’s why whisky has no “e” in it, so you can ask for it quicker.
11. Be able to identify your clan badge or tartan at 50 yards. Be able to identify your enemies at a 100 yards, especially Campbells.
12. Pick your most obvious and least favourite physical characteristic. You will spend the rest of your life named for it; i.e. Cross-eyed Mairi, Big Nose John, Cameron means crooked or broken nose and Campbell means crooked mouth in Gaelic.
13. Remember that this is also the country that invented Covenanters and Presbyterianism, Some of us are rabid teetotalers and no fun is allowed! (except for making sure no one else is having any either.)
14. Remember that the Scots take the saying: Never suffer a fool gladly, literally. Don’t be an idiot more than you need to be.
15. Remember, it is your nature to sulk, bear a grudge, take vengeance and switch sides. After all, the Highlanders are still mad at the Campbells after 300 years. The Scots have hated the English since at least 1200 A.D. Why should you be any different?
16. Remember that your little Scottish granny can still beat the crrrapp out of you. No matter how tall or old you are or how tall or old she is.
17. Believe in faeries and second sight if just to have an excuse for the results of a whole night spent a drink that started with Glen…. If you do have second sight be as vague as possible. The more vague the more famous you will be.
18. And last but not least, the Scots have no internal emotions. All emotions are external, at least in Gaelic. I love you; Tha gaol agam ort, translates I have love for me on you. Romantic, huh?
Do you still want to be a Celt/Gael?
Suas Alba!
Slainte’ mhath, slainte’ mhor
A h-uile latha
Chi’s naic fhaic.
Adventures and Musings of an Arch Druidess 