Why I will NEVER wear anything vintage

It cracks me up that “vintage clothing” is in and particularly the clothes from the 50’s, 60’s, 70’s and 80’s. As someone who wore a lot of those fashions, I personally think vintage clothing wearers are nuts. At least, if they are wearing them with the vintage underwear that went with them. Really? Are you the kind of person that likes being incredibly uncomfortable?

Let’s see, this includes those instruments of torture known as the girdle and its accompanying horror the garter belt. I refused to wear the latter. Nothing beats sitting on a metal bench at a pep rally in a mini skirt and having the metal garters feel like they are going to ignite on a hundred degree day in Southern California. Or having those garters pop open and your stocking drop to your shoes. Or if you are growing taller by the minute and your stockings are suddenly too short. Seriously, girdles were one of the most uncomfortable things ever created outside of the cone cupped bra and you had to wear them even if you were a skinny mini like me, 56 lbs in 7th grade because something had to hold up those stockings that ran faster than your nose could on a cold morning. NO pantyhose yet!

Yeah, that cone cupped bra that was our first bra when we had something to actually fill it. It hurt. It rubbed and it itched and had stays.

There were no panty hose, and underpants were either your Carters rosebud granny pants or nylon panties that had a fondness for giving you a permanent wedgie once they were older than a week old.

And that doesn’t even count the equipment you used to have to wear when you had your period underneath that girdle. It was a belt with a hook with teeth to hold that wayward giant napkin that doubled in its off hours as a pontoon on an Alaskan float plane. Yeah, sitting on that hook was a real pleasure designed to make you inadvertently stand up in class from your seat and look like an idiot when you held back the scream of pain. Not to mention trying to hide the damn things in your purse.

Shoes, unless they were Clarks wallabies or moccasins were awful and if you were dumb enough to buy a pair of Earth shoes made you feel if you were standing in a hole.

Remember these were the days of polyester and Quiana, both guaranteed to stick like glue on a hot day and make your sweat stinky and look like you were in a really tacky wet tshirt contest. Dittos jeans with a Quiana no sleeve shirt were in and the Dittoes gave you a saddle outline on your butt when you took them off and an uncomfortable seam to sit on but damn, you looked good in those tiny tight pants.

Mini skirts made you do the limbo to drink out of drinking fountain to keep from showing all the equipment you were wearing underneath and filled you with terror when you needed to go up or down an open stairwell with a crowd of boys standing underneath to look up your skirt.

So no, I will not be wearing absolutely anything vintage that I remember wearing before.

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