fears

It’s weird but I’m afraid of very few things. Snakes, spiders and the creepy crawlies don’t bother me but the dentist terrifies me. So when I had dental surgery I wasn’t happy but it turned out to be no big deal. Yesterday I had some eye surgery and people who knew about it were freaking out about it. Now I had a really bad experience with a dentist as a kid so that fear makes sense. You would think since I had surgery and it was not that happy an experience I would be afraid to have things done around my eyes but it didn’t bother me at all. It bothered a lot of other people including my sister. Maybe it’s because the outcome as a kid was to be able to see well for the first time is why it doesn’t bother me.

That was the source of my number 10 on the pain scale. The first time the doctor removed my eye bandages in a dark room and shined a bright light in my eyes was my number 10 on the scale of 1-10 they always ask you about. So if it doesn’t come close to that I may not even flinch much. I told the doctor that yesterday. She said she didn’t know that hurt. I told her to a little kid in the dark it hurt a hell of a lot. She said she’d keep that in mind. Doctors always seem to think kids can’t feel pain as much as adults which is pure bullshit.

Anyway, even though she had to keep giving me shots of lidocaine, it was okay. I once took 13 shots at the dentist for a deep cleaning of a quarter of my mouth so it didn’t really surprise me. I’m tough to numb up and I have come awake under anesthetic and surprised a doctor or two. So for now, the things I needed to take care of are done. I look like I was in the losing end of a prize fight. I have a black eye and since the surgery was on the upper and lower eyelids they are all bloody and puffy on top of being bruised. I’m colourful and pretty, hee! Luckily that eye is facing the inside of the cubicle so I don’t have 50 million people coming by and talking about it. My vision is a bit blurry which is annoying. I keep blinking to try to clear my eyes and they itch! I keep sitting on my left hand when I get the urge because I did it once without thinking and it hurt, a lot. Won’t be doing that again.

Yesterday I was very glad I do deep breathing sometimes as part of meditation and I had a few internal petitions going to Quan Yin and Brighid which helped when I could divert my attention in that direction. Nothing like having a doctor go at you eye with tweezers and a hemostat. I asked the doctor what had caused the kind of cysts I had and she said no one knew what caused them. It took her a lot longer that she thought because one was solid and she had to remove the capsule it was in. Ick! And probably TMI.

So now they are gone and I hope they stay away. Hooray!

3 thoughts on “fears

  1. I wouldn’t say that I was “freaking out”, but I know how much your vision means to you, so I wanted you to know that I care what happens to you. Of course, I was using all of my self-discipline to not personalize your surgery. “Eye stuff” really freaks me out. That is why I don’t even consider contacts. I would NEVER be able to voluntarily stick my finger in my eye. And the only thing that ever gets to me in horror films is if there is an injury to an eye. But I was very selectively not thinking about that. I am just glad to know that you aren’t losing any vision, and I am sorry for your discomfort.

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    • No, chalzion cysts usually go away by themselves and these had been growing for over 5 years. I haven’t seen a good picture online for what they were. On the outside the looked like blisters but were solid.

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