Archive | January 6, 2014

Quandry

I’ve made hard decisions before. I had the power of atty for my mom when she had dementia. I had to okay when she got psych meds. That was a no brainer. They called me at 9 pm for permission and she had started screaming non-stop at 9 am. My concern then was that they hadn’t saved themselves the trouble and called me at 9:30 am.

I had to sign the DNR for her. I made the agreement for putting her in hospice. None of those things really bothered me. They seemed like common sense to me. I know my mother refused to do a DNR for dad and he was furious about it and kept ripping out his IVs and they kept putting them back in because mom insisted. So when it came time to do it for her I was not going to mess around and even ask her. After I signed her into hospice for her congestive heart failure and kidney failure they wanted to know if it also applied to her liver failure. I didn’t realize you have to do it for each new diagnosis. It didn’t matter it would have been stupid to revive her and treat one thing. If I ever get in that state I hope no one tries to keep me here and it’s why I have a horror of Catholic hospitals since they have a bad habit of not honouring them.

So why is it so hard to let my Liath go? At the moment she doesn’t seem to be in pain and wants to cuddle a lot and purr. The swelling in her abscesses has gone down but that will only last until the antibiotic shot wears off. I wrote the vet for the script for the compounding pharmacy and hope it won’t be stratospherically expensive. I also asked for the cost of putting her to sleep and cremation and felt horrible doing it. And I believe in being allowed for humans to decide when they die, why is it so hard doing it for my companion?

Prayer for Liath

Bast, please watch over my Liathfaol as she approaches the Rainbow bridge

Help both of us to let go gently and with great love

I have had the care of her for 15 years and she has trusted me

I have loved her with all my heart and she has been a boon companion

Through many trials, through the loss of both my parents and my little brother,

She has been there through poverty and through more comfortable times

I have laughed at her hunting the dreaded sock monster and looked for them afterward

I have jumped when she thought it amusing to hunt my braids when I was in a sound sleep

I apologize for the flea bath we had to give her once.

I apologize for not changing the litter box after one use as she wanted

I apologize for all the times I shoved her back paws out of my armpit while trying to sleep

I cherish her softness

I cherish her sweet but loud purring

I cherish her

Bast, love her like I did and guide her with no pain over the bridge as the time is coming soon

Hold her in your paws gently and pet her slowly.

And Bast… when it is time… send another of your children for me to care for and love for I have a huge hole that is cat shaped hole in my heart.