Archive | July 30, 2013

I still miss him

Today it is 8 years since I lost my little brother and there isn’t a day I don’t think of him. I think I miss him more than any other family member that has died. Little brothers aren’t supposed to die before their big sisters. Cam was only a year and a half behind me and I don’t remember him not being there.

We shared a room until we moved to Glendale and we shared almost everything and yet we were different as night is from day. I had a disability and he was the perfect golden boy. I got the weird sense of humour he couldn’t pun to save his life. I was the science geek and he was the musician. Even though I sang in many choirs and even the all state honor choir and he got a degree in computer science as well as music. I was the logical one and he was the emotional teddy bear.

I was the only one allowed to beat him up and anybody else I was going to make mince meat of. He wanted to play with my dolls. I just wanted to read and build, make or draw things. He hated to play ball and managed to fail at Little League and I was the one who wanted to be good at sports and was terrible. It would take my sister coming along to give my dad the all star sports geek.

He was the one that insisted I see the new movie that had come out. A small movie called Star Wars that he insisted I would see over and over because I was the one that was reading Heinlein in Junior High. But he had to be the one to take me the first time. So we went to the Plitt in West LA because it was the first one to have big reclining seats with cup holders.

We took voice lessons together in college and I was more terrified when he sang that when I sang. He was in Madrigal Choir. I was in the main college choir. He conspired with my voice teacher to make me a soprano again when I would rather have been an alto and ended up a mezzo.

He left the Presbyterian Church to become an Episcopalian because he loved the ceremony and liturgy. I became a pagan because I loathe ceremony and liturgy.

He was my shadow and my bookend. He was always slightly behind and ready to support me and when we both came out it took our friends to tell us that the other sibling was gay.

When he got sick and mom refused to have anything to do with him, it was my dad and I and some friends of his with AIDS that would die before him driving him to chemo and radiation. I got the phone call the last one died and he was heartbroken. I got the call when he dumped the guy who had stood by him the whole first cancer scare because his partner wouldn’t let him be well. And I got the call the night 15 years later when the cancer came back and he was sure he would beat it again. But cancer sometimes wins and it did this time. Multiforme glioblastoma is a nasty, pernicious, evil beast that Cam fought thanks to a clinical trial for a very long time but it always wins. Cam died July 30, 2005 a day before my mom’s birthday and the night before my sister and I were supposed to fly up and be there during his scheduled surgery but for some reason he decided he had to go and he did. Median survival for multiforme glioblastoma is 4 ½ months without treatment, it’s 15 months with and he lasted 16 years so we were lucky.

I miss you little brother so much. I always will. My sister and I had seen Wicked right before he died because we love the Wizard of Oz and Cam had seen it right before in San Francisco. The song For Good will always remind me of him.

(Elphaba): I’m limited

Just look at me – I’m limited

And just look at you

You can do all I couldn’t do, Glinda

So now it’s up to you

For both of us – now it’s up to you…

(Glinda): I’ve heard it said

That people come into our lives for a reason

Bringing something we must learn

And we are led To those who help us most to grow

If we let them And we help them in return

Well, I don’t know if I believe that’s true

But I know I’m who I am today

Because I knew you…

Like a comet pulled from orbit

As it passes a sun

Like a stream that meets a boulder

Halfway through the wood

Who can say if I’ve been changed for the better?

But because I knew you I have been changed for good

(Elphaba): It well may be

That we will never meet again

In this lifetime

So let me say before we part

So much of me Is made from what I learned from you

You’ll be with me

Like a handprint on my heart

And now whatever way our stories end

I know you have re-written mine

By being my friend…

Like a ship blown from its mooring

By a wind off the sea

Like a seed dropped by a skybird

In a distant wood

Who can say if I’ve been changed for the better?

But because I knew you

(Glinda): Because I knew you

(Both): I have been changed for good

(Elphaba): And just to clear the air I ask forgiveness

For the things I’ve done you blame me for

(Glinda): But then, I guess we know

There’s blame to share

(Both): And none of it seems to matter anymore

(Glinda): Like a comet pulled from orbit

As it passes a sun

Like a stream that meets a boulder

Halfway through the wood

(Elphaba): Like a ship blown from its mooring

By a wind off the sea

Like a seed dropped by a bird in the wood

(Both): Who can say if I’ve been Changed for the better?

I do believe I have been Changed for the better

(Glinda): And because I knew you…

(Elphaba): Because I knew you…

(Both): Because I knew you…

I have been changed for good…


Prayer for an amazingly beautiful morning

Today is an amazingly beautiful California morning. I was in awe of the many colours of green in the trees this morning. It was wonderful to just drink the colour in through my eyes. I had to only choose 9 of the trees there are so many beautiful trees this morning.

I raise my face to a beautiful summer morning

Blessings of greens of trees

Blessings of a sunny morning

Blessings of a cool breeze

As I walk through this day.

Flexibility of the tall palms

Beauty of Redwood

Grace of the Sycamore

Fragrance of Pines

Healing of Eucalyptus

Spicyness of the Pepper tree

Glory of the Coral tree

Nourishment of the Olive

Longevity of Oak

Blessings and protection of the trees

Be with me all this day and night

Every minute from twilight to twilight,

Light to dark and dark to light.