15,500 and my most beloved dead

One more page view and I’m at 15,500. Wow! I’ve been blogging here since January and that’s a lot. I started blogging in 2005 but on LiveJournal. I started in the first place because my brother was blogging there and he wanted me to be able to follow him. His brain cancer had come back after a 15 year remission and he wanted me to share his journey wherever that went.

He wanted me to blog so I’d have a community to turn to when he died. And he succeeded in that spectacularly. I’ve gained friends all over the world because of him. My little brother is someone I’ll miss every day for as long as I live and I’m very grateful he got me addicted to blogging.

He was a year and half younger than me and we were partners in crime until my sister came along 10 years after I was born. Sometimes I was jealous of him because he was mom’s favourite until I accepted that I was never going to be mom’s favourite child. I eventually learned being jealous didn’t change anything, it just is what it is and isn’t rational and to let it go. He was the perfect child as far as mom was concerned, her perfect blue-eyed baby boy. I was the defective kid who was contrary. Once I learned I couldn’t change my narcissistic mom I was a lot happier. Sadly, when he got cancer, mom abandoned him and he had to learn to deal with that change in her. The night he had his first seizure they called from the hospital to get permission to treat and she said she couldn’t be bother to get out of bed and ask his partner at the time. She didn’t give my father a chance to say yes and hung up and she forbid my father to help him in anyway. (This led to my father sneaking out of the house to help the rest of us drive Cam to chemo and radiation.) Cam never forgave her for that.

At first blogging was an outlet for my stories and then after he died, it was my outlet for grief in a community of his gay bear friends. When I spoke at his memorial I got to meet a lot of them and get real time hugs from a lot of them. That meant so much to me and I’ve met a lot more since then who also mean a lot.

I’m here because my brother wanted me to share my writing. BunniHoTep had just been born when I started. Blogging has taught me the beauty of sharing many people’s worlds that before computers would never have been possible. It’s given me a window to the world in hard times and taught me that I wasn’t alone. It gave me a place to share joys when I had them. It gave me a place to share ideas and not be trapped inside the reaches of my rather peculiar brain and sometimes find other peculiar interesting people.

This blog and all the others, now exist because of my most beloved dead, my little brother, Cameron.

3 thoughts on “15,500 and my most beloved dead

  1. I am very sorry for your loss. Without intending to, Cam gave me a gift as well. I started blogging in 2007 because of you, and this has been an incredibly rewarding and healing gift for me as well. So, thank you Kat, and thank you Cam. Blessed Be.

    (Oh, and congratulations on 15.500 views. that IS really good!)

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