Archive | August 8, 2006

carytown made me do it

My sister and I were talking about this subject this weekend. She got sucked in the vortex at Rite Aid and I made the mistake of going to Staples. I still get the urge to go like a lemming and buy school supplies at this time of year. What is it about the siren song of a new box of crayons, a new pencil box and pencil sharpener, new Peechee folders and a new eraser that reduces me to an absolutely delighted 6 year old?

I hated the clothes and hair portion of the expeditions. I used to end up with too short hair and clothes I would grow(?) into but never did. I was still wearing a 6X in sixth grade and I would have room for a family of four in my clothes in the hopes that I would grow. I did finally but not til Junior High before that I was a skinny midget. Then I became a skinny giant.

I had to wear shoes with special braces and they only fit on saddle shoes but I learned not to complain after I did and Mom indulged in a rather hidious art project and dyed them royal blue. Yeah that was a fashion forward look, NOT! SHe was so proud of making them not look like saddle shoes but they were just gross. Mom had no fashion sense and buying clothes could be traumatic. Like my first day of Jumior Hi dress, an Olive green gingham shirtwaist dress with bright orange tie and brown saddle shoes. I hate olive green and I look terrible in it. My Mom loved it.

I, being me, wanted to wear black and look mysterious, mind you this was in the 60’s in the decade after the Beat poets and before Goth.

The X Games

I was watching the X Games this weekend (I love watching them) and was thinking about risk taking behaviour and what is a risk. I found it funny that the surfers thought the guys that did the motor sport and skate boarders were taking risks that scared them and that the Big Trick skateboard guys thought the guys that did Big Air guys were nuts.

And what is the nature of a risk and when is it acceptable to the individual and what makes others see it as risk taking behaviour?

People (and my mother) have always told me I’m a risk taker and what would make me do different things. I have almost never seen whatever the behaviour was as a risk. Is it the same with the X Gamers?

I usually go on whether it looks fun or whether it was necessary in my view or whether I just wanted to try it once and depending on the outcome whether I wanted to try it again.

Things like white water rafting a Class IV rapid comes under the fun category as did jumping from high places to see if I could fly did when I was small. Backpacking, horse back riding, rock climbing, roller coasters all come under was it going to be fun? And if it was, let’s do it again! Talking my friends into riding a Flex-Flyer down a steep hill with people to stop traffic probably came under the stupid but fun bin. Some things of course weren’t so fun after I tried them like rock climbing. I took that in college because either sailing or rock climbing was required for my major since I had already taken survival and back packing/cross- country skiing.

I ended up on a big rock face and one of my arches collapsed and broke. Broken foot not so fun. Can only do one roller coaster a day now because I rolled my car 10 years ago and it brings on concussion symptoms, not so fun anymore. In California driving is a risk taking behaviour but we do it almost every day and don’t think about it.

These can also be things like performing on stage and whether you know your material is the amount of risk versus the existence of the audience and how big the audience is to determine the size of the risk. Entering the County Fair is risk taking behaviour according to some but it was something I always wanted to do, so I did. And I won ribbons, so I kept it up. Getting my stories published or competing on any level at any thing is a risk when you come down to it. At the least you might fail or make a fool of yourself, at the most you could get hurt.

Under the ‘was it was necessary?’ category come things like Coming out of the Closet. When I came out in 1979 it was a bigger risk than it is now. But that was an enormous risk at the time. I lost friends I will never get back. I’ve not gotten hired and I’ve gotten fired because I was out. Following my heart and becoming a pagan was a risk. I’ve had notes on my car from strangers. I’ve been attacked at work because I was an out pagan. I will always choose out rather than in the closet. It’s just who I am.

These were all part of me being authentic to my heart and what I believe so is it really a risk? How much fear are you willing to live with to get the rush that comes from having succeeded. And even if you don’t succeed do you still get the rush because you tried?

Under the ‘I’ll try it once’ category came my ill-fated drug career in 1973. Tried marijuana and was horribly allergic. Once was enough, trust me. The older I get the less willing I am to do things that I know will hurt like hell if I screw up.

So what is a risk and when is it an acceptable risk? Do you pay attention when other people tell you, don’t do it? Do you do take the risk anyway? And what is risk-management? And how do you decide? And is simply daring to be different and follow the path less taken what life is about and not a risk at all?

Reclaiming’s Charge of the Goddess

Charge of the Goddess
Traditional by Doreen Valiente, as adapted by Starhawk:

Listen to the words of the Great Mother, Who of old was called Artemis, Astarte, Dione, Melusine, Aphrodite, Cerridwen, Diana, Arionrhod, Brigid, and by many other names:

Whenever you have need of anything, once a month, and better it be when the moon is full, you shall assemble in some secret place and adore the spirit of Me Who is Queen of all the Wise.

You shall be free from slavery, and as a sign that you be free you shall be naked in your rites.

Sing, feast, dance, make music and love, all in My Presence, for Mine is the ecstasy of the spirit and Mine also is joy on earth.

For My law is love is unto all beings. Mine is the secret that opens the door of youth, and Mine is the cup of wine of life that is the cauldron of Cerridwen, that is the holy grail of immortality.

I give the knowledge of the spirit eternal, and beyond death I give peace and freedom and reunion with those that have gone before.

Nor do I demand aught of sacrifice, for behold, I am the Mother of all things and My love is poured out upon the earth.

Hear the words of the Star Goddess, the dust of Whose feet are the hosts of Heaven, whose body encircles the universe:

I Who am the beauty of the green earth and the white moon among the stars and the mysteries of the waters,

I call upon your soul to arise and come unto me.

For I am the soul of nature that gives life to the universe.

From Me all things proceed and unto Me they must return.

Let My worship be in the heart that rejoices, for behold, all acts of love and pleasure are My rituals.

Let there be beauty and strength, power and compassion, honor and humility, mirth and reverence within you.

And you who seek to know Me, know that the seeking and yearning will avail you not, unless you know the Mystery: for if that which you seek, you find not within yourself, you will never find it without.

For behold, I have been with you from the beginning, and I am That which is attained at the end of desire.

I broke down and called the doctor to get a referral to another neurologist. I’ve lost 2, one to go work with the Navajo and the last one went to PPO patients only. I ‘ve had 2 migraines in a month and I usually get one or 2 a year and never in summer. I’ve had a migraine since Sunday morning and Monday at 2 am I was in excruciatling pain. I just wanted to pound my head on some solid object and hoped to knock myself out. Today I sit at work with dark glasses and a baseball hat pulled low. It’s a good thing they said casual days til the end of September.

The migraine meds did jack nada and made me want to be sick worse. Maxalt is peppermint and I dislike the taste of peppermint intensely and to take it when you already are in pukecity is worse.