Archive | April 22, 2006

Ritual aversion

I’m having a problem with the idea of ritual. When I go I feel trapped now. I feel like I need to escape. I feel like my options have been taken away. I know this is in my head but nevertheless it is there. I should ( goddess, I hate that word) go to the magdalene beltane ritual this afternoon. But every single part of me is yelling “no” you’ll be stuck. Mind you I would be surrounded by people who genuinely like me and even love me but it doesn’t matter, I feel trapped. And I have no clue how long this feeling will last or if it will ever go away. It’s like having ritual ADHD.

I feel the need to be free, whatever that means, because I’m not sure what free means anymore. It may even be why I’m heavily attached to my camera right now. I stopped taking pictures because I felt divorced from what was happening around me. Now it gives me space to observe when in a group. On the plus side it has given me a way to frame the beauty I see around me.

Or it could be that Cam’s death has forced me into a more Druidic bent at the moment and not a Wiccan space. More Nature less Circle. Still seeking what’s left of my creativity that has abandoned me temporarily since nature is almost always my awen, muse and root of inspiration.