Archive | April 7, 2006

Read at your own risk – processing after therapy

Tomorrow is the first day of Faire for this year. Usually I’m wildly excited and can’t wait. This year part of me really just wants to stay home and do laundry and play computer games and read a book. Discussed it with the counselor I’ve been going to since Cam died. AND he brought up what would Cam want me to do. Part of me screamed, for some reason this WWCD thing keeps coming up and for some reason it makes me nuts. I know he meant it from would Cam want me to stay home and the answer to that is “No”. But Cam and I had in some ways very different values and there is no way I would live my life by what Cam would have done. He was much kinder than I and I am much more warrior than he. He was much more passive to my aggresive. I was born with a shining sword. Partly that’s from birth order and partly different life experiences even with in the family.

For instance he was the Chosen One as far as my mom was concerned and I was the defective contraian. That was just how our mom related to us. Knowing your mom thinks you are defective makes you really not care what other people’s opinions of you are. Because somehow deep down you know she’s wrong. Dad called me Mary Mary quite contrary for a very good reason. And the Emperor is naked.

Anyway we were very different people in a lot of ways. I know my being pagan drove him nuts for a long time because he was highly conventional and I am not. I really don’t care what conventions are in order most of the time. Convention for the sake of convention is stupid. I have to know why the convention exists and if it makes any sense to me before it even enters my consciousness. He could be a little hide bound at times and I would just laugh and say why? I’m much more relaxed about other people’s idiosyncracies than he was. And I’m much more of a know it all and I’m much more upfront bossy. I will never say, ” if it’s not too much trouble” because it always is when the question is asked.

I hate the processing that goes on after therapy sometimes. I have no idea where that all came from.

Anyway Cam and I went to our first Ren Faire together in Agoura in 72 or 73. And I will always remember it.