I’m pissed. The question is, am I willing to forsaken something I’ve devoted the last 15 or so of my years to? I’m afraid I’ve gotten myself into a passive aggressive state because if I don’t hold my tongue, I’m gonna burn the holy hell out of some bridges.
For the first time in my life I regret not being a showy,” look at me” sort of priestess. I feel discounted, disgruntled, ignored and quite frankly more than a bit incendiary. It takes me awhile to get there but when it does the fire burns low and of nuclear temperature and I never in the world thought I’d get to the maybe it’s time to leave spot, but I am.
We’ve been planning the Hieromum’s memorial and Laura was right when she said we were like herding cats. I hadn’t counted on some outsize egos getting involved and people that hadn’t been there in over 10 years insisting on being in the center of it and in the process drag us backward to when they were the big hot cheese or at least they thought they were. (D if you read this, I’m not talking about you.) I’m talking about people who have a record of being spectacularly manipulative to try and get their own way and who discount other people’s ideas.
I admit I’ve missed the two planning meetings. One I was at my camp reunion and the other my arm and back were killing me and I was doped to the gills. Not an optimum driving state.
I agree we have to honour her whole life but she had been doing so much the last 20 years of her life that it can’t be ignored. And my perception is that it is being ignored or relegated to the outside as not really Laura.
Some of the priestesses never have liked BunniHoTep because they weren’t involved in any of it. Or they don’t approve. There have always been some who thought it was silly and childish and maybe it’s my ego that is feeling trampled on but the day Laura went into hospice, being told BunniHoTep was there, was the one goddess that got her excited in a good way and not agitated in a bad way. Not D or Amhari or me, just BunniHoTep.
I’m sure a lot of people are absolutely oblivious that there even is a conflict or they are so sure of their worth that they aren’t questioning that people could be angry but I know at least 4 of us are and there may be more.
I know that Laura’s druidry is being discounted partly from a comment she herself made, that she hadn’t known she was a druid before she was ordained an Arch Druidess. But she was very serious about helping us create the group and her Skype sessions with us creating the rituals and the prayers and the mission statement are times I will treasure for the rest of my life as well as the Druid ordination we did very early in the morning in January at the wildlife refuge with just the 4 of us. She was so delighted to see the Great Blue Heron take up a position to keep an eye on us. She was her favourite bird. It made it that much more special even that the creation of the grove or the two Companion rituals or the Bard ordination. Each step of the way she was there and I know we never made a big deal of what we were doing or even told the rest of TOILA but she was there working with us and encouraging us. Helping me write things when I got stuck. The four of us did a lot of work to make it happen and she was supposed to ordain us as Arch Druidesses but she got too sick to do it. She wrote Caroline and Linda to get clarification on parts of ritual and to find out if we could use our own TOILA brand of craziness to the rituals or whether we had to do the ones that are already written by FOI and got a lovely letter that said we could create anything we liked. We had been so worried before that letter came. And now that whole part seems to be being thrown out or disregarded because people didn’t know about it. Someone even said they didn’t know we were affiliated with TOILA. Gee thanks, for noticing we existed. I also know she made those Skype calls when she was alone in the house so the person that sometimes shared space with her had no clue how much time she was spending with us.
And it’s really not helping that some people after so much time still seem to have totally misunderstood Laura’s role in TOILA. Laura was our guide and the ones that knew, knew she thought of us as all equals. That she was most certainly not “in charge” and that we don’t leader now. Laura allowed us all our own roles and never made a ranking but some people seem to not “get” that salient fact. Laura asked and we did. But Laura neve, never, never thought she was in charge. She did have a way of “suggesting” you should head in a certain direction but I don’t remember her ever tell me to do anything and she listened if I didn’t want to. I still might do it if it was out of my comfort zone but she never ordered anything. She point blank asked me twice if I wanted to be a Hierophant in FOI but I had absolutely no interest in being a Hierophant. I didn’t need that title, never have and never will voluntarily. The only title I care about is Arch Druidess in the Druid Clan of Dana because to have a Grove we have to have Arch Druidesses. I treasure my Ordination. I worked hard for that and it was one of the best days of my life. I think the Littlest Druid would be amused with it.
I’m doing the slide shows for Laura and no one else and in my style not for anyone else but her. I don’t like feeling used or that someone is"letting" me do something useful instead of suing our talents for the best.